sex tapes

Never in the history of man has anyone ever said, “You know what would solve all of my problems? A sex tape.”

Sex tapes are something you make when you’re bored, or you’re a D-list celebrity trying to bump up your ranking; it’s not something you do to “get ahead”. In almost every occurrence, they’ve only brought trouble to those involved, and there were some things they didn’t consider that came back to bite them.

Thus, it’s about time we discuss ten crucial things you should consider before filming that sex tape.

1. No one will want to see it, let alone buy it.

I wouldn’t think it’d be too hard to shop around a sex tape, depending on the celebrity that was in it, but if it’s you and your partner, no one’s going to have any interest in buying your tape.

If it had Beyonce, Donald Draper, Brad Pitt, and the Phillie Phanatic in it then maybe someone would buy it, but other than that, I think we’ll pass.

2. No one wants to see you naked.

Other than your bae or significant other, no one wants to see you naked. Go ahead, ask some random stranger if they’d want to see you naked - yeah, they slapped you in the face, didn’t they?

Unless you’ve got a body painstakingly chiseled from granite, we’ll watch something else.

3. Do you really want people to watch you have sex?

Obviously, you’ll be fully exposed in your sex tape, and potentially, thousands or even millions of eyes can be staring at you going to town; do you really want that? I mean, come on, you’re going to be naked and having sex on camera; who knows how many people will want to watch it.

4. Is your sex game good enough to share with potentially millions of people?

Before you start filming your sex tape, think about this: is your sex game on point? If your bed game is weak, no one will watch it. If you want people to watch it, you’ll need to be the Larry Fitzgerald of sex (you’ll need to be really, really, good at it).

Nobody wants to see two lumps of flesh mash into each other, but they’ll watch a couple hotties go to town until the sun comes up - everyone loves looking at a good looking people. Sadly, unless you’ve been to the gym every day for the last six months, nobody wants to watch your sex tape.

5. The Internet Will Destroy You

So, where’s that sex tape going to go? Oh yeah, the internet.

If you’re unaware, the internet is not a very kind place, and people are relentless in their pursuit of making your life miserable on the web. If there is anything in your sex tape that they can use against you, they will.

If you really have to upload it onto the internet, don’t use your real name, as it will easily be linked back to you if anyone happens to Google you. Since Mom doesn’t have the strongest grasp on technology, she actually Googles you to see what you’re up to, and if she sees that tape, you’re donezo.

She’s also probably going to have a heart attack, and if you hadn’t uploaded your sex tape, Mom would be fine. Don’t hurt Mom with your sex tape.

6. How do you plan on removing it? (Which you will want to do)

Before long, you’re going to realize how dumb of a mistake you’ve made; I mean, come on! Throwing your sex tape up on the internet was never a good idea!

Have you even thought about how to take it down? Good luck with that.

Even if you remove it from the site you originally uploaded it to, it could be on other websites as well, and good luck scrubbing through all of those. Once something is online, it’s really difficult to remove it completely; before you upload the video you made of you having sex, think about the permanence of the internet.

7. What about the children?!?

If you have kids before or after your sex tape, they could come across it on the web, which would be eternally scarring, to say the least. If your kid looks you up online and does a relatively thorough search, they could find your sex tape, which is no bueno.

Your kid has to go through a lifetime of therapy just because you felt like making a video of you having sex; that’s Bad Parenting 101 right there.

8. All of your friends will avoid you (if they’re smart)

Let’s say you put your sex tape up online somewhere; chances are you’ll tell one of your friends about it, who will then tell another friend, and the cycle goes on and on. That’s a lot of people who are going to know about your sex tape, and many people won’t be cool with that.

“They made a what?”

“Umm, uninvite Sarah - you can’t go to Sunday brunch if you have a sex tape.”

It’s just weird that you have a sex tape; even if it’s on a VCR tape somewhere in your basement, it’s still weird and kinda creepy. No one’s ever said, “Mark and Julie are such a cute couple! And just the fact that they have a sex tape tells me that we’ll be hanging out with them more often!”

9. Good luck getting a date

“What’s he like?”

“Well, he’s cute, has a good job… oh, and he has a sex tape.”

“So, you’re saying that he hasn’t been on an actual date in years?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

If anyone interested in dating you asks a friend about you, chances are they’ll mention your little tape if they know about it, and you can kiss any chance of getting a date goodbye. Who wants to date someone who has a sex tape?

For all they know, you’ll want to make one with them too, and they don't know what you’d do with it. Just face it, have a much better chance of getting a date if you’re unemployed and have zero sex tapes.

10. The tape will easily be found via background check

What if you apply for a job, and your potential employer does a really thorough background check? I don’t think it’d be too hard to find it, and if they do you’ll never earn a paycheck from them.

“So, by your resume I can see that you have skills that we can definitely use here, but there’s one thing…”

“Yeah?”

“Your sex tape. I found it, watched it…”

“You watched it?”

“Yeah. Your technique was not good, and frankly, we can’t have someone in our company who can’t make a sex tape longer than five minutes. If you had lasted longer and shown a better combination of moves, we would have loved to have taken you on here, but unfortunately, we only hire those who have their sex game on fleek.”

That’s right; if your sex tape isn’t up to par, no company will hire you. * It’s actually just the fact that you have a sex tape, which is freakin’ weird.

If you really feel compelled to film a sex tape, there are a lot of things you’ll need to consider before you set up the camera angle. You could actually make your life worse by having a sex tape out there; no one will date you, no one will be your friend, you’ll have a hard time getting a job (if the tape is online), and you could even end your own mother’s life.

Do us all a favor and just stick to watching porn, not making it.